A Solution to the Israel-Lebanon Crisis

A lot has been said about the recent conflict (or should I say, the recent flare-up in a longstanding conflict). My take is rather simple: All people, regardless of nationality, religion or ethnicity have the right to live in peace and prosper. Anyone seeing that happening anytime soon? Yeah, me neither.

The French have been desperately seeking a solution to the crisis, but I think it's time for them to bring out the big guns. They have a secret weapon so immensely powerful it could very well end terrorism as we know it and bring about everlasting peace.

You all know what I'm talking about, right? Yep, you guessed it: Zinedine Zidane. Here's my proposal: We send Zidane to Lebanon, where he proceeds to seek out Hezbollah leader Nasrallah and headbutt him straight in the chest. Hezbollah will be powerless against the ZCD™ (Zisou Chrome Dome™). Crisis solved! Then it's on to Afghanistan to seek out Bin Ladin.

To spare the civilians, my other proposal is that the UN flies in vast amounts of bicycles, and whatever the hell Floyd Landis injected up his ass. There is no rocket or bullet the civilians won't be able to outcycle.

Now, no need to thank me, but this December I better be the recipient of a prestigious award in Oslo, Norway.

Giving Head

So you're one of the best football players in the world. You've won a World Cup, a European Cup, a Champions League, the Spanish League, the Italian League, and numerous individual player accolades. You're in another World Cup final, which also happens to be your last game. The game is dead even and you're one of the key players, if not the key player. Your place in football history being secure, how do you go out in style, in a way people are not soon to forget?

Apparently you lunge head first right into an opposing team member's chest. I don't know what Materazzi (the lungee) said to Zidane (the lunger), but clearly it must have been the mother of all insults. My theory?

Materazzi: - Yo momma so ugly even the US team could score on that ass!

The moral, if there is a moral to be had, is that sports really does bring out the best in all of us. Or not.