A Confederacy of Boxes

I recently had my biannual box purging festival, during which I cut up all boxes I've acquired in the last six months and unceremoniously dump 'em in the recycling station. It used to be an annual event, but it seems my ability to amass large quantities of boxes have increased in recent years.
Here's just a select few boxes that went the way of all flesh...carton just recently:

• Vacuum cleaner carton box
• Coffe makeer carton box
• 3x Amazon.com carton packages
• Book shelf carton box
• DVD burner carton box
• Printer carton box
  

And so on. No wonder Finland is so reputed for its paper industry, there is quite obviously a market to sustain it.
Maybe all of these boxes are indicitative of me buying way too much stuff. Nah. Then again, should I ever be unable to pay the rent, I can always move in with all my stuff into my box collection. Seriously, I could rebuild New Orleans with all that carton!

New Lordi Members, part three

A while ago I set out to line up replacement members for Finnish monster rock superstars Lordi. This to ensure the continued popularity and vitality of the band. After many months of searching all over the world, particularly in Mongolia, I'm now prepared to name another new Lordi member.
And the third replacement is none other than...Zinedine Zidane!

(Zidane's the one in the bottom left corner.)

As you can see from the image, Zidane was extremely happy to be landing this gig!^[1]
Of course, with reports of Fidel Castro being in critical condition, I find myself having to look for a potential replacement for him as well. Man, this band is shedding more members than Kiss! Anyway, I've found an understudy for Fidel, who'll be ready to take over in the event of Castro's death.
The new understudy is...Mel Gibson!

(Gibson is the one in the middle.)

To be continued...

^[1] Not my best Photoshop work, but what the hey! I'm busy, I ain't got all day to work on this stuff!

Bridge over Troubled Waters

Apparently they're constructing a new bridge over the Danube in Budapest, Hungary. And someone thought of the brilliant idea of conducting an online poll to name the bridge. Of course, the international media caught on. Now everyone from Chuck Norris to Steven Seagal is getting votes. Well, obviously there's only one logical choice, especially considering this is a Hungarian bridge.
I'm talking of David "The Hoff" Hasselhoff, of course.
You people think it was Ronald Reagan or John Paul II or Lech Walesa who won the cold war. Bullshit, I say. David Hasselhoff is the man principally responsible for tearing the iron curtain, despite what the revisionists may say.
Currently, however, he only has a paltry 225 votes. What the hell? He's the world's most famous lifeguard, for Pete's sake! Who better to name a bridge after? Clearly, if there's any justice in the world, The Hoff would win this in a landslide. I ask you to join me in making this a reality. Get off your ass and help out The Hoff!

1. Go to http://www.m0hid.gov.hu/vote
2. Select "ABC szerint" to easily find The Hoff
3. Scroll down to and select "David Hasselhoff híd"
4. Scroll all the way down and click "Elküld"

Now, I know my blog has a fairly limited readership, so spread the word! If everyone chips in, he'll win this in no time!

Things I Got Wrong

I have a habit of predicting things, being dead positive the future will prove me right. My areas of expertise are near infinite, as I dabble in politics, sports, entertainment, science, you name it. Unfortunately, more often than not, my predictions turn out to be dead wrong. Which brings us to this very blog entry. Here's a list of embarrassing predictions I've made in recent years:

• John Kerry would win the US presidential elections in a landslide
• Germany would make it to the World Cup finals
  
• Sauli Niinistö would narrowly win the Finnish presidential elections
• The Matrix Reloaded would be a great movie
• Paul Giamatti would win the best supporting actor Oscar. C'mon, George Clooney?!?
• There's no chance in hell that Finland would ever win the Eurovision
  

What can I say? Oops.

New Lordi Members, part two

About a month ago I took it upon me to, for the well-being of the Finnish music industry, replace all members in Finnish superstar rock band and surprise Eurovision 2006 winners Lordi. Clearly winning the Eurovision is bound to go to their heads, so we might as well line up replacements now, so we're prepared for the inevitable split.

Clearly Finland's only chance of ever winning the Eurovision again is to let Lordi represent us once more. I'm just doing my part to make sure Lordi is still around for next year's debacle in Helsinki.

So, without further ado, the second replacement is...Ann Coulter.

(Coulter's the one in the bottom right corner.)

To be continued...

In Heat and Other Random Thoughts

• It's bloody hot today. Maybe Al Gore is on to something, after all.
  How do you poor bastards closer to the equator ever put up with the heat?
• Sweden got its ass handed to it. As a Finn, I'm not gloating. Not at all. Except for now: Ha! Ha! Haaaa!
• Newt Gingrich is definitely maybe running for president. Hasselhoff help us all.

Alcoholism: Fun for the whole family!

Yours truly returns to the blogging world having been MIA for a while. Life^[1] got inbetween, what can I say.

If you've read this far, you're probably thinking you're about to read some very heartfelt story, possibly with a bitter taste of satire, about my horrible, horrible struggles with alcoholism. This is not the case. No, this post is about coffee^[2].

I'm not an alcoholic. I am, however, addicted to coffee.
How do I even get off comparing coffee addiction to alcoholism, and what does all this have to do with the headline in the first place, you ask? Well, turns out it's perfectly possible to combine the two, according to this article on AOL:

Coffee May Protect Liver From Alcohol, Study Says
By CARLA K. JOHNSON, AP

CHICAGO (June 12) - Coffee may counteract alcohol's poisonous effects on the liver and help prevent cirrhosis, researchers say.

In a study of more than 125,000 people, one cup of coffee per day cut the risk of alcoholic cirrhosis by 20 percent. Four cups per day reduced the risk by 80 percent. The coffee effect held true for women and men of various ethnic backgrounds.
...
Of course, there is a better way to avoid alcoholic cirrhosis of the liver, Klatsky said.

"The way to avoid getting ill is not to drink a lot of coffee, but to cut down on the drinking" of alcohol, he said.

I'm quoting that last part from the article merely in the event some underage person is reading this blog.
Tempestas Nordica disclaimer: this blog and its author are to be in no way held responsible for any liver damage sustained in the course of reading the entries on this blog.

I've long been a proponent of coffee. For a brief period of time (a couple of weeks) I attempted being a non-coffee drinker. Or a coffee non-drinker. Whatever. Ultimately I started drinking again, was my point^[3].
I think it should be mandatory to drink coffee; coffee has so many wonderful effects.
Did you know coffee can cure baldness? Well, if the English-language edition of Pravda is to be believed, anyway:

Coffee to cure baldness

German medics arrived at the conclusion that consumption of large caffeine doses prevents baldness.

Male's hormone testosterone is responsible for baldness in men, meaning that the more testosterone a man as [sic], the more prone he is to losing his hair.
...
According to an expert-cosmetologist Adolf Klenka, ?one would need to consume 60-80 cups of coffee per day for the caffeine to reach hair follicles.?
...
"...We did prove however that caffeine should be used as an external substance that should be applied directly onto the scalp.?

Although, to be honest, my receding hairline has yet to be affected by my coffee intake. It should be noted, however, that I'm not quite up to 60 cups a day^[4].


^[1] Yeah, who woulda thunk it?
^[2] I have a feeling coffee may become a recurring theme on this blog. My first idea was to name the blog Confessions of a Coffee Addict, but obviously that had been used about a million times already. No original ideas left in this world, I tell ya.
^[3] I am a person of little will power. Thank Hasselhoff I never took up smoking.
^[4] ...yet.

Random Thought of the Day

Is beloved Pokemon character Pikachu named for the renowned Spanish painter Pablo Picasso? I always thought they resembled one another. Not to mention, one is an artist, and the other is...uhm...art.

New Lordi Members, part one

Last week, Finnish monster rockers Lordi did what no one thought possible. They won the Eurovision song contest. Finland won the Eurovision song contest. It's been a week, and I'm still unable to quite believe it. Finland?! Eurovision?! Song?!
Suffice to say, Hard Rock Hallelujah is the new Finnish national anthem.

This is, however, bad news for Lordi. They've peaked. Their new found euronational fame will consume them. Ultimately, the band will fall apart and album sales will dwindle to Corey Feldman numbers.

The good news is that this is utterly preventable. A band member throws a tantrum and leaves the band? No worries. Much like Van Halen remained a successful (if suckier) band when Sammy Hagar replaced David Lee Roth, it's merely a matter of finding the right person for the job. I happen to have the perfect replacements lined up already.
Following these suggestions, I'm confident Lordi will continue to be successful for years to come.

The first replacement is...Fidel Castro.

(Castro is the guy in the middle.)

To be continued...

Would someone please think of the children?!?

I remain hesitant as to whether I should reveal where in Finland I live.
Not because of a desire to remain somewhat quasisemianonymous, but rather because I don't want to out this great city of mine as a Scandinavian Sodom and/or Gomorra.

Having lived here for about five years, I today made a startling discovery. I was taking a walk when I passed what appeared to be a perfectly ordinary office building.
The second floor housed the regional school board. The bottom floor housed a strip club. I kid you not.

I don't consider myself to be particularly conservative. But this hands-on approach to sex ed. just crosses the line.
There is a silver lining, though. If things don't work out upstairs, you can always apply for a job downstairs.